The Mother-In-Law Phenomenon

  There are jokes about mother-in-laws. Why? Joking is one way of coping with uncomfortable situations, and I suggest that this is implicated here. The following examines the question “Why are we uncomfortable with our mother-in-laws?”

  As infants, we learned how to get along with the important people in our life. We learned the social dance. When your mother says do this, you soon learn how accurately and how soon ‘this’ must be done. Learning such responsiveness may have been difficult, but there were no alternative life-styles known at the time, and the infant’s mind learns fast, for that it has evolved to do so.

  There are no standards for the ‘social dance,’ but people do socialize and so local standards are devised. Ask anyone who has moved to another region of the country, or farther, and they will admit to experiencing some ‘culture shock.’

  When we are done our childhood, the lessons of how to cope with our mothers are well learned. We learned also to cope with other elders, and with our peers in social situations. As we age, we evolve our techniques, but there is little need to make radical changes to accommodate dramatically new situations. Little need, that is, until we meet a demanding person who suddenly is a prominent person in our lives.

  Then comes marriage. We meet a person who expects us to be family − and so treats us as family − with all the ‘mothering’ skills she knows. Unfortunately, the mothering skills she has are not the ones we grew up with − and therein lies the conflict.

  It is very likely that a mother-in-law grew up in a different area of the country and perhaps at a slightly different time, and so grew up in a different culture than did our own mother. This leads to generally different definitions between the social dance she expects of us and the one we are accustomed to performing. Differences in ‘how soon’ and ‘how accurately’ we must jump when told. She has different parenting skills and methods.

  And so why do we not have similar problems with our father-in-laws? They do not demand so much of us by way of conformity to standards. Fathers usually have dealt with more people and are understanding of differences. Mothers are more protective of their children.

  And so why do we not have similar problems with our spouse? Primarily, the spouse was selected as compatible, empathetic, adapting, and accepting – even if they have different coping methods. Also hopefully a spouse is even willing to work at correcting us over time. Primarily, we select the spouse, and accept (or not) the mother in law.

  The Mother-in-law will see the faults, and as a parent will want them corrected – whereas our own mother knew our faults and grew to accept them – or to cope with them – having learned long ago what could be changed and what had to be accepted.

  And so, there is unwanted conflict we do not want; and one common coping method is humour.